Kenny started with a hardtail, but soon progressed to a state of the art full susser following a visit to the bike shop to “buy his daughter a new bike”.

After purchasing his Stumpjumper 120 Expert, Kenny gradually started to upgrade. What began with a new rear mech ended with the splendid specimen pictured here.

Stumpjumper with minor componentry upgrade

Although Kenny admits to some significant  effect on the bikes overall performance (especially on the balls out down hill sections of our rides), it’s a small price to pay for this little beauty.

Keep up the good work Kenny.

"I don't care how bling Kenny's bike is - that sucka ain't getting my chain"

Next Month - “Slow ‘n Easy” with Neil Dorman.

Dear OBOB …

The high volume of letters we receive at the OBOB offices each week reflect the fact that the website continues to be a popular read amongst the local biking fraternity.  We’re sorry if you’ve written to us and not received a reply, it’s just that we can’t be bothered.  This month though we’ve decided to print a cry for help from one of our members, just to show that we do care about peoples feelings.  Here’s the letter:

Dear Chris,

I’ve lived in Hooky for three years now and consider myself quite a nice bloke.  I thought I’d made some good friends, but recently I’ve noticed that people avoid me on Saturday mornings at football and I’m left standing alone on the touch line.  Jo and I frequently attend dinner parties, but people jostle for seats and I’m the one left sitting alone.  If I do get a chance to talk to anyone, their eyes just glaze over and they make an excuse to leave the table.

What’s wrong with me Chris?  Can you help before Jo leaves me for someone interesting?

Regards,

Adam Green

We thought long and hard about Adams plight before passing on our advice.  Things got so bad for him that he considered a work secondment to China, but when he realised that he’d have to miss a few Sunday mornings with the few friends that actually listened to him he turned down the offer.  Here’s our reply:

Dear Adam,

It’s good that you’ve taken the first step of writing to us at OBOB because we know exactly what your problem is.

To be honest I spotted it ages ago, but as you’re a friend I wasn’t sure how to tell you.  I’m afraid that being left alone at parties is no longer the preserve of accountants, quantity surveyors and car dealers, now it’s people like you – the Bike Bore.  It’s time you realized that, outside of your own little group, nobody’s interested in what you have to say.  You’re wasting your time explaining the virtues of mud tyres, the advantage of Hope discs over rim brakes and why your frame bearings need replacing.

The sooner you understand that normal people don’t actually care what a rear mech hanger does and think that cable ties are only for electricians, the better.  Get a life and try to develop new hobbies, such as Beaver Scouting, the internet or gardening.  And stop driving round in that black BMW pimp-mobile and gay Peugeot Cabriolet; a bloke like you should consider a sensible estate car for the sake of your children.

By the way, I need some new bar grips – when I see you next perhaps you could advise me about lock-ons?

Yours understandably,

Chris and the OBOB team

Pete falls asleep in Adams car on a recent short journey to Banbury

Alone on the dance floor again, Adam claps to himself

What do people have to say about him?

JOHN TURNER (NEIGHBOUR) – “Yeah, nice bloke, but don’t get him started about bikes if you want an early night”

GARY PARKINSON (FRIEND) – “Bores me to death!”

JO GREEN (WIFE) – “After 17 years with Adam I’ve learnt to accept him”

NEIL DORMAN (BMX PRO) – “Adam who?”

IAN STREET (DECORATOR) – “I thought watching paint dry was boring until I met Adam”

Four people simultaneously ignoring Adam

Illustration 1 - Ghostrider and Love Doc

This month we focus on body armour and ask the question “Is it sensible or just plain gay?”

*** Article in progress – come back soon ***

Illustration 2 - Eton school boy socks

Concerns were reaffirmed at Derek’s Disco when Nicholls left the dance floor after gyrating sensually to his favourite track, “Spirit in The Sky” by Doctor and The Medics, and showed bored onlookers iPhone clips of his new Santa Cruz bike.  Some have speculated that the new bike is a figment of Nicholls’ vibrant imagination, induced by years of studying the finer details of Henry Gray’s Anatomy of The Human Body.

Close comparisons have been drawn to Adam Greens “Bike Bore” affliction in 2007, a mental condition that Adam successfully controlled by surrounding himself with new possessions including fast cars, personal number plates, a hot tub and a digital watch with calculator function.

Nicholls’ nanny, Swedish ex-porn star Saskia Knickerhoffen, contacted us about her worry for the welfare of Nicholls’ wife Cathy and their six children after he spent £70 on brake pipe realignment.  “Why would he spend so much on a simple task like this?” she said.  “Even I know that all he needed was an adjustable spanner, a clean working area and Kenny’s brake bleed kit.  In Sweden every man can bleed brakes.  I just hope it all ends soon so that his family can return to normal”.

Oh Matron!

Nicholls was unavailable for comment.

Green, not known for whingeing about his job, heralded the start of his four day week by jet washing his patio with equipment loaned by Presly.  Week after week he painstakingly manicured his garden and swept his garage every Tuesday, whether necessary or not.  Tension between the couple started when Presly sent Green a seemingly innocent text message, informing him that he was jobless and asking if Green would like a regular Tuesday ride and a bacon sandwich at Wyatt’s Farm Shop.

Green suspected that Presly had purposely lured him away from his garage, knowing that he would no longer be able to uphold the high standards that had won him the coveted “Best Maintained Garage of The Year 2009” award.  With no job, Presly took full advantage of his spare time and focussed on his own garage knowing that Green could not compete.  He lavished money on expensive cheeses, purchased a large Weber barbeque set and painstakingly chalked outlines of bike tools and components on his walls to taunt Green when he returned the pressure washer.

He later sent Green an e-mail, setting out his plans to index all his spare parts in alphabetical order, something which he knew Green had always dreamt of doing someday.  The final straw came when Presly boarded out his loft and boasted to Green about his new stacked and indexed box-storage system.

Resentful and bearing a grudge, Green consoled himself with sandpaper.  Knowing that jobless Presly could no longer afford the upkeep on his extravagant 4.8 litre BMW X5, he rubbed away the tread on Presly’s tyres until they were bald.

Scotsman Presly remains surprised and disappointed by Greens actions.  “Och, I remain surprised and disappointed by Chris’ actions” he said.  Presly added “Och, I ne’er meant it to come to this.  I’m more concerned aboot PJ’s bike – I hoop his kitchen is cleaner than his rear mech”.

Green and Presly pictured during happier times, indulging in their shared pastime trying to appear cool by catching butterflies with a big net

After extensive DNA testing, forensic experts identified the owner of the pants as Pete Nottingham.  Nottingham, 42, was reported missing by his employer who had telephoned his wife at their Cotswold home after he failed to arrive for work on Monday morning.  The silver Audi A4 estate that Nottingham had borrowed, which was booked out for a test drive that afternoon, has also disappeared.

Pete Nottingham practising in a Jacuzzi

Neighbour Scott Norman, unemployed, was staying at the same holiday cottages as Nottingham in Cornwall with his wife and six children.  Norman said that Nottingham’s behaviour became increasingly bizarre during his two week stay.  To begin with he noticed nothing out of character, but became concerned when Nottingham arrived home late one evening wearing a beaded necklace, hair extensions and a Billabong wet suit.  When he approached Nottingham to ask if anything was wrong, he was told to “chill out dude and hang loose”.  Later in the week, Mrs. Norman noticed that her lemon juice and hair wax were missing, coinciding with the appearance of blonde streaks in Nottingham’s unkempt hair.

Scott Norman ‘ increasingly bizarre’

The case bears remarkable similarities to the 1976 hit TV series, The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin, in which Leonard Rossiter played a disenchanted employee who faked suicide to escape his mundane job at Sunshine Desserts.  It is believed that Nottingham had similar misgivings regarding car sales and empathised with Rossiter, remembering him as a childhood role model.  Following intensive surfing lessons, Nottingham saw the opportunity he had been waiting for.

Police are keen to hear from anyone who may have seen Nottingham, who is described as odd looking with gangly arms and baggy shorts.  He was last seen with three days of facial hair growth, however they speculate that his appearance may be changing daily as he adapts to his new stress-free lifestyle.  Nottingham’s wife, Lisa, is hopeful that he will return by November in time for their 20th wedding anniversary, by which time the sea will be very cold.

"Hello Treacle, I'm Gerry"

Actual photo of Chris naked

This edition of Hot Gossip focuses on Chris’ garage and in particular his recent tendency to deliberately leave things in places other than their formally allocated space.

Fellow rider, Graham “balls out” Wilkes, commented that this type of behaviour could clearly become out of hand, probably leading to bigamy, bestiality, alcoholism, drug abuse and a poorly maintained bike. Chris was clearly upset by this comment, noting that his bike was and always will be properly maintained.

Clear evidence of Chris’ current messy behaviour

Friend, Scotsman and fellow member of OBOB Kenny Presly remarked that he was “surprised and disappointed” at Chris’ failure to maintain adequate levels of garage etiquette. Kenny added “Och, I’m surprised and disappointed”.

OBOB are currently doing everything we can to support Chris.

We love Chris..